I have free time. But that doesn't mean I'm available.

As someone who’s healing allegedly, owns three unfinished self-help books, and refuses to go outside unless I’m compensated with either a new experience or a really solid catch-up tea, I've come to a conclusion:

Free time is not the same as availability.

I know — scandalous. Call your god. Cancel your lunch plans.

You might think I'm always free.
Maybe because I don't work in a tall building.
Maybe because I don't post "busy" things on my stories.
Maybe because I'm just painting at home with a hoodie and chapped lips, not answering messages for days.

But free time is not the same as being free for everyone.

The RSVP Is the Enemy

It’s not even the event I dislike.
It’s not you.
It’s the RSVP.
That tiny digital tombstone that says, “Hey, here’s a commitment you now have to remember, prepare for, possibly commute to, and maybe emotionally recover from for 48 hours.”

I like you. I do. But once I RSVP to something, it squats in the back of my brain like a street cat on Red Bull.

Suddenly, my whole week becomes about Wednesday at 7 pm. Not in an excited way, in a mentally rearranging my internal furniture to accommodate this vibe kind of way.
Even if it’s just a dinner, my calendar now looks like:

• Monday: Think about Wednesday.
• Tuesday: Stress about Wednesday.
• Wednesday: Panic nap. Socialize. Emotionally deflate.
• Thursday: Recharge by pretending to be asleep when people message me.
• Friday: Start recovering my will to exist.
• Saturday: Fully back to baseline.
• Sunday: Feel guilty for being awkward or oversharing some shit last Wednesday.

The Myth of the Empty Schedule

People try to match “open schedule” with emotional bandwidth.
They see space and assume it’s theirs to fill.

But what they don’t see are the invisible tabs constantly running in the background:

• Healing from stuff I haven’t even named yet.
• Recharging from a week of pretending to be okay.
• Staring at walls in a therapeutic way.
• Talking myself out of ghosting everyone I love.
• Simply trying to enjoy the silence I fought so hard to protect.

I’m not “doing nothing.”
I’m doing whatever I need to stay intact.

And sometimes that means lying face-down on the bed, listening to a playlist called ‘Being Funny in a Foreign Language’ while wondering if I’m emotionally available enough to answer an email.

It’s Not About Avoiding People

Please understand, it’s not about being antisocial. It’s about being selectively social.

My presence doesn’t come from guilt anymore. It comes from intention.

So no, I might not RSVP. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ve learned to value my peace over the optics of being “easy to reach.” If I do show up, it means I really wanted to. Not because I had nothing else to do, but because I made space. For you. For this.

And if I decline, it’s not a rejection. It’s a small act of self-respect.

Not Saying Yes Right Away Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Care

If I pause before replying, or reply after 3-5 business days I’m not ignoring you.
I’m just checking in with myself first.

Some days I’ll say yes and be fully present.
Other days, I’ll stay home and catch up on rest, work, or just some peace.

It’s not personal.
It’s just how I try to live right now.

So next time I say “Maybe” or don’t answer right away — it’s not you.
It’s me.
It’s the fog.
It’s Baguio weather.

I have free time.
But that doesn’t mean I’m available.

And I hope that’s okay.